Dear Mom,
I am not so good with voicing my thoughts out loud and do much better when writing them down so here it goes:
You think I am simply being lazy and maybe that’s true, but that’s not how it feels to me and if you looked inside my head, then you would know that I speak the truth. Some days I am happy, joylessly so and those are the days I like the best, but then there are days where the sadness that lives inside me comes out and drains me of just about everything and every bone in my body just aches. I hate these days the most because it effects everything and everyone around me. On those days it becomes a struggle just to get out of bed in the morning or go to work and by the time I get home, I am physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted.
I want so badly to be the daughter that you deserve and and I really am trying, honest. But you need to understand that on those bad days, it can feel like I’m drowning and no matter how hard I try, theres nothing and no one that can help me pull my head above water. I have no idea how long I have felt like this….I just always thought I would get better. I thought it would get better once I got my first job, and then I thought it would get better once I left that job and got my second job and on and on it goes.
Someday, I will tell you all of this and then maybe the healing can finally begin, but for now I tell the world in the hopes of reaching out to others like me and raising some sort of awareness associated with mental illness. This isn’t something that I can just get over and feel better. Believe me, I’ve tried. If I could just “get over it” I would without one seconds hesitation, but I can’t. All I can do is try to take one day at a time and of course take me medication which seems to help a little bit.
With all of that said, know that no matter what is going on in my life, I love you more than anything in the world and it is your love, support, and strength that makes it possible for me to keep on living.
Love always,
your baby girl.
